Apples and Oranges vs. Walnuts
I know what a broken heart feels like.
After dating my college boyfriend for about a year, I found myself in love and ready to get married.
He, on the other hand, wasn't sure. He knew he loved me but was he "in love with me?" I called his bluff. I suggested we break up to date other people so he could figure out what he wanted. He agreed. Total misfire.
I still remember collapsing into a heap on my parents couch after our last phone call. Tears gushed out of my eyes as I let out a primal moan. My bewildered parents rushed to my side at the sound of my crying. Did I hurt myself? Did someone die? I could barely get the words out through my choked sobs. Broken up! In those first moments I remember quite vividly my astonishment at the physical pain growing in my chest. It truly felt like my heart was breaking.
That ache was hard to shake. I spent at least six months after smarting from the separation. The intensity of the pain plus my still abiding love made for a harsh reality. Trying to stay busy was the only way to keep myself afloat. I was miserable but tried to prevent myself from feeling so. Sometimes I though I would combust from the loneliness. Eight months after the break up I finally felt able to move on. As luck would have it, that's when the boy came back to me, ready to give our relationship another go. Five months later we were married and we've been happy ever since.
“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it...” ― Cheryl Strayed
I know what grief feels like.
Grief is a pain all its own. It's the soul cracking open. When I lost my mother, despite being prepared for her death, I was blindsided by a walloping anguish that left me feeling like exposed nerves. She was gone and I couldn't get her back. You can't prepare for that.
I do believe grief is a blessing-that we can feel such love for someone else-that we can have someone in our life who is so significant that their absence is painful- there is something beautifully divine about our capacity to love. I know I will see my mother again. I know she is alive in spirit-I have felt her from time to time. But that doesn't take away the procedure of grief.
C.S. Lewis said, "The death of a beloved is an amputation." It certainly is. Those moments when I find myself thinking, "I need to call Mom, I haven't talked to her in a while."-then the realization of my mistake-it feels like a tiger ripping into my flesh. Suddenly I'm reminded I have a mother but I am for the time, motherless. This is death before the resurrection, and knowing the resurrection won't happen for awhile. Grief is heartbreaking but it is not just heartbreak. Grief is making friends with a tiger.
If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.” ― Lemony Snicket,
I don't share my bleeding heart stories for attention. I want to demonstrate that I know the difference between sorrow and depression. Social stigmas of mental illness have made me defensive. I know I have depression, not a gloomy heart. I know how to cope and handle hardship. Depression is something different.
Depression cannot be prayed away or overcome with a brighter outlook, though, yeah, prayer and hope are never a bad idea. It is a mental illness but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect your physical health. The hippocampus of the brain shrinks, chemicals shift. It is a disease of the mind. The mind, as we remember, is a physical member of the body and an integral part of the soul. Depression effects everything. Fun, right?
I write this to educate those who don't know what depression feels like. While people experience depression differently, this is what it feels like for me:
*like everything that brings me joy, relief, and motivation are stripped from me. No matter how hard I reach for them, they are beyond me. Instead I can barely get out of bed.
*I also feel that the things that once gave me joy no longer interest me. I don't know how depression does it but it makes numbness painful.
*Sometimes I feel like I'll never be happy again.
* I'm lost to myself. That my personality, my self identity has blown away. I'm not me anymore. I'm an empty shell.
*Because I feel this way, I feel I must be a failure at living, even though I do know that this isn't really true. Depression distorts reality.
*I feel I'll never be good enough or strong enough. If I was, I wouldn't have to feel this way.
*That an inexplicable sadness is sitting on my chest like a ton of bricks and it cannot be talked or laughed or cried away.
*That all the energy of life has been sucked out of me. All I want to do is sleep.
*It is difficult to think coherently. My brain grows fuzzy and disconnected.
*Depression makes my existence agony.
None of these thoughts and feelings are thoughts and feelings I would choose to have. They happen to me.
While not everyone experiences thoughts of suicide when depressed, you can see how easily it can escalate to that point. As any mental health professional will point out, no one wants to commit suicide-It just feels like the only option. Being depressed feels like being trapped in a burning building. How do you escape? You jump.
While depression and suicide are connected, they are two massive subjects and I don't want to delve too deep into suicide in this post. That deserves its own post. While I have never been suicidal, a depressive episode I experienced a few months ago took me to the lowest, darkest point I have ever been. It terrified me how easily I considered my life being over and what a relief that seemed. Those uncharacteristic thoughts lead me to reach out for help.
Let me tell you, reaching out is much easier when you are surrounded by non-judgmental, loving people. I have been so lucky to have a great support team around me. Listening is key. Remember, Jesus said "mourn with those that mourn," not "cheer up those that mourn,". And don't forget Jesus wept with Mary and Martha over their dead brother Lazarus, even though he knew was going to raise him from the dead in a matter of minutes. We can learn a lot from Jesus, you know?
I bring suicide up only to get a conversation going and to make it a less taboo topic. Thoughts of suicide need to be meet with love and understanding and not shame. Asking for help can be the hardest thing to do but it saves lives. Let's do what we can to make it easier for those in need.
If you know someone who is depressed, check up on them regularly. Ask them point blank if they are suicidal. Don't just ask them, "How are you doing?". No one ever wants to say, "Terrible and I hate myself.", even when you're depressed and its true. It is so much easier to lie and respond, "Fine." Ask them specific questions, like, "Are you feeling down today?", "Is life hard for you right now?", "Have you been struggling lately?", "Does life feel unmanageable?" and so on. Don't make it easy for them to blow you off.
To anyone who may be in the throes of depression and contemplating suicide, please, please, get help. You matter. You are enough. Suicide is not the answer. There is hope. Reach out to your family, your friends, suicide hotlines, me. Just hold on.