Expert
As I mentioned in my last post I recently took part in a writer's conference. One class I attended was focused solely on helping writers find paying work. Apparently online freelancing is a (semi) lucrative business.
"The trick is to find something you are an expert at." I was told. "What do you know? What subject can you lend an original voice to?" That got the wheels turning.
I won't sell myself short-I know things-but is there really an online audience begging for enthusiastic reviews on mid 1990's Iranian cinema? I know nothing about Tesla, don't care about TikTok, and am suspicious of the wellness industry. Enough of the pseudoscience, Goop!
Here is some of my expertise I could share to popular online article topics.
Five Natural Remedies to Stabilize Hormones
My expert advice:
1) Don't be a woman. 2) Don't be a woman. 3) Be a man. 4) Don't be a woman. 5) Nature is sexist.
The Most Recent List of Sexual Predators in Hollywood and Washington
My expert advice:
...*Cries and sucks thumb.*
Twenty Quotes from Jane Austen's Novels That Help You Lose Weight
My expert advice:
Hey, I love Jane Austen. I'll write about that... wait, what?! Stay away from Jane Austen, wellness industry!
But if I could write something I was really knowledgable in, well...
HOW TO NAP
What can I say, I am a natural sleeper? No, I am an excellent sleeper. I have never struggled with falling asleep so if you're looking for sleep advice you've come to the right place. Discomfort during pregnancy, sleepovers, work-nothing has ever slowed me down from...well, slowing down. Between my natural ability and my drowsy inducing anti-depressions I can boast the ability to sleep any time of day, even if I have just woken up. While I know a natural predilection plays a key part to regular sleep, here are a few fool-proof tricks I use to get body off to dreamland.
Have Three Children in Two Years
Nothing will wear you down more quickly like this tip. WARNING! You will have to wait five years after having the children before they will allow you to sleep.
Have a Life Worth Escaping
Some times you gotta get away-away from reality, that is. Your kids won't stop fighting over a chair at the dinner table? Look in the mirror lately and see an old woman staring back at you? Use all these stressful, inevitable situations as a motivation to take a reprieve and sleep through the badness. Don't worry, it will all still be there when you wake up.
Read
Sometimes nothing sends you off to sleep quite like a book in bed. A cozy blanket, a patch of warm sunlight: all of these aid that sweet spot of rest. Some books that have sent me straight to sleep are Moby Dick, that chapter in Grapes of Wrath about the turtle, or any time Bella Swan talks in Twilight.
*pro tip: If reading on your phone before bed, lay first on your side closest to the outlet. Plug your phone in so it charges. When you're ready to switch sides, your phone will have enough battery to last you another hour of mindless reading about celebrity feuds in perfect comfort.
How To Have A Happy Marriage
This one is easy.
Be married to my husband
Since you can't be married to my husband and I don't plan on sharing him, find someone like him. You know, generous, easy-going, honest, selfless, hard working. See also: thoughtful, kind, even-tempered, peaceful, loving, open-minded. I could go on and on.
How To Appreciate Trees
With the exception of my children's faces I don't think there is anything in the world as beautiful as a tree. I love trees. They "enliven the soul".
"It is remarkable how closely the history of the apple tree is connected with that of man."
-Henry David Thoreau
Like anything worth knowing, the beauty of a tree is more than skin (bark) deep. I am not a botanist. My knowledge of trees is limited. Here's what I do know: trees are essential. Trees are good for you. They provide food, refuge, and are known to prevent crime. They clean the air. They beget more air. As Thoreau pointed out, our human story is not complete without trees. They have been with us since existence and our existence depends on them. Trees draw our eyes heavenward, casting us outside of ourselves. Trees are ambassadors of life.
To get the most out of trees, kindly do the following:
1) Stand under a tree with a wide, open canopy while the sun is shining. A maple, oak, elm or ash will do.
2) Peer up at the sunlight hitting the canopy of green leaves.
3) Enjoy.
There's my expert advice. Between naps, a happy marriage and a love of trees I'm in good shape. Those are the necessary ingredients for a happy life.
Until next time, happy reading.