What's so good about Good Friday?

Today is Good Friday.

A day-the day Jesus Christ was brutally tortured and crucified.

Good Friday?

Today I wake up as I usually do, perpetually tired. Still reeling from an episode of depression that occurred in February. It lasted three weeks. I emerged from it battered, a bit delirious and late to my own life. I pray, literally, that my hormones can hold themselves together today so I can be a mother because I need to be a mother.

There's no time to waste. My children are slipping through my fingers. I'm reminded in ten years my boys will be eighteen. How is that possible? I have to seal in my heart every look, every word they share; I must remember everything.

That will have to wait. My son isn't getting out of bed and when he finally does he's shocked he has chores to do. My daughter has sight words to pass off but she cannot grasp the word "the" and "we" no matter how many times my husband and I go over it with her. It's been a month. Should we be concerned?

No time. There are still socks and shoes to put on and the top rack of the dishwasher to be unloaded. I'm angry that none of my instructions are heeded. My son rolls his eyes at me. I'm furious. I kiss him and his siblings goodbye, pray there is no school shooting.

I should do yoga. I always feel better when I'm active. It is important to take care of oneself. I haven't run in three days after not running for months so I should run today. I need to write. This is my only free time so I must work now. I have a story to finish, a story to edit and many other to start. What about that screenplay? My house is a mess and I feel better in a tidy living space. Laundry. What am I making for dinner?

I remember God for the first time today and feel guilty it hasn't happen sooner. Pray. Scriptures. I'm filled with gratitude for all that I have. I want to reach out to others, love my brothers and sisters. Who needs my help?

I want another helping of lunch. I try not to think about chocolate. How does one master the body and its urges? I wrestle with this everyday and it infuriates me.

My daughter is home again.

Let's read together/I want to play on your Kindle/No/ Why not/Eat lunch/Let's practice your sight words again/No/

An hour later she is agreeable again. "We" and "the" still alludes her.

Get sons. Love sons. Fight with sons. Chores, even play, is a fight.

Dinner.

Two hours later and the day is nearly done. I want to be with my family; I want to be alone. We watch television together. Should I have been reading to them instead?

Of course I should have.

Family scripture reading, family prayer. Peace. Hugs, giggles, secretly count the freckles on their noses, climb on each others backs. They get too rough and someone is hurt. Hush! Kisses for everyone.

Fall into bed. My eyes droop amid a voice that points out all that I should do better.

I am enough, I tell the voice.

Are you sure? the voice asks. I battle the voice until I'm asleep.

The end of Friday. It is good, I remind myself. I have so much. Still, life is hard, even a first-world one. Hard is hard. I shrink away from God, embarrassed of my struggles and find it impossible to face Him because of their insignificance.

But it's not impossible. Nothing is impossible now. Death has been conquered, mercy born, justice paid. I shrink further when I think of what I owe him. I think of the injustice of a perfect being paying the debt for everyone else.

That's the point and it misses the point completely. He only had to because He wanted to. He conquered death so I can be with Him again. He extends mercy to me because He knows I desperately need it and He wants to give it. He paid for my sins so I don't have to, if I only repent.

What do I want? I want to be better. I want energy and a perfect brain and a perfect body and to master time. I want my children to grow up without heartbreak. I want these struggles of mine to stop being my struggles but only because I think all these things will bring me peace.

What I really want is peace. Peace that everything will be okay. Peace that I am enough. Peace that I am truly seen and still loved.

When I shrink away, I shrink away from exactly what I need. I don't need to be perfect, I need to be rescued. I don't need to have it all together, I need another chance. I need the Prince of Peace. Always.

It was a good Friday and is and always will be a good Friday because of what occured that first Good Friday: humanity's salvation. My salvation. Yours. Because of that Friday there is endless hope born from an eternal love. That is very good.

Hallelujah.

---

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

He lives to grant me rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

-Samuel Medley

#BECAUSEofHIM