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Still


Son: (helping sister tape paper decorations) That's it. You got it, girl.

A few days later...

Same Son: (to his sister) You don't care about us.

Daughter: Yes, I do.

Son: Do you?

Daughter: Kind of.

I suffer from emotional whiplash.

I think it's a side effect of motherhood. The whirl of emotions spewed forth from my children in any given day leaves me reeling. The wrath of a child who can't find his shoes because he hasn't looked for them to the same child reaching out to hold my hand cracks my heart open daily. In the best way. Yes, somehow that child reaching for my hand makes up for and surpasses all the frustration and exhaustion I experience. Don't ask me, doesn't make sense to me either. The human heart is a mystery. Just go with it.

That said, at the end of the day sometimes I think I hear my brain sizzling. My kids cause me to malfunction, they fray my wires and lower my brain cells. It wouldn't be so bad if life in general didn't do the same thing to me as well. Actually, it still would be pretty bad. In the best way.

Now the holiday season is upon us and I'm determined to enjoy it. As a Christian, the Christmas holiday is a big one to me. My objective is to keep the holidays a time of joy and peace and stillness. I want to celebrate Christmas for the right reasons. The trick is somehow do that while my kids still live in my house (not to mention include them in it as well). My kids bring me the greatest kind of joy but they don't necessarily file under the "peace" and "stillness" categories.

Sigh.

It's quite the feat, trying to be still at the busiest time of the year. Luckily, my kids have given me plenty of practice on how to live a paradoxical life. With them my heart is full even if my brain is drained. I dedicate my life to them and they give me a more meaningful one in return. Time drags and flies, daily life becomes rare and precious and children grow before your eyes without ever seeing it. My kids have taught me (forced me) to move slower.

I'm going to move at a snail's pace this season. I'm going to keep things simple and basic. I'm going to play with my kids, even if it means my writing will have to sit on my desk for a while longer. I'm going to send my kids outside to play so I can get some writing done. I'm going to sing carols, read, laugh and pray. I will think of ways to serve others as well as allow myself to sit alone in a dark room. The only way I can accomplish this is to do it one thing at a time.

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

Having kids has taught me this.

I hope this holiday season finds you surrounded by love and friends and peace. I hope you take this busy time of year as a chance to slow down and focus on the essential, even if the essentials are slowly killing you. In the best way.

Day of Joy and Mercy by Sara Waddoups Morgan

 

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