First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage
Did you know there are parking spots reserved for pregnant women at baby themed chain stores? When I was pregnant I was so excited about the preferential treatment I received. I didn't have to walk far to the store front on my swollen hooves? Huzzah!
Did you also know there are no priority parking spaces for mothers? Once you have the kid(s) you are on your own. There's no kangaroo pouch to stuff your screaming children in while you shop amidst rude glances from the same people who previously treated you like a queen. This makes no sense to me. Swollen ankles and heartburn are a cinch compared to having and caring for the kid(s)!
"First comes love, then comes marriage-then comes the baby in the baby carriage."
This nursery rhyme makes sense to me. There's an order, a sequence, to how these things should flow. However, there is a second verse, one understood but not spoken that makes as little sense as lack of mom priority parking. It goes a little something like this:
"And if you still like each other-keep it to yourselves!"
When my husband and I were engaged everyone was happy for us. I mean everyone. Total strangers congratulated us. We were wished well, winked at and gushed over. People wanted to know the story of how we met. We were like some rare, mystical plant people marveled at. “Look, their love is blossoming! Ah.”
As soon as we were married however there was a great shift. When I mentioned something kind my husband had done for me, I was met with forced smiles. Get-togethers with other women turned into gripe sessions about their husbands. Once, a more seasoned couple asked us with amusement what we yell at each other. My husband and I stared blankly at one another. "We never yell at each other. " They laughed and rolled their eyes and told us just wait.
"The honeymoon doesn't last forever." These sages of love warned us. "Buckle up for reality."
Well, ten years in and still my husband and I are still waiting for that "reality" to hit us. Turns out we still like each other.
That's not to say happy, healthy marriages don't include plenty of annoyance, friction and turbulent times. There was just this societal attitude from engagement to marriage that baffled me.
Does this strange custom exist because marriage is so challenging? Marriage is challenging. If you are struggling in your own relationship I can imagine seeing others happy in their marriage would be demoralizing. I never want to come off as naive, better-than-thou or phony but if I am genuinely happy married, who am I helping by keeping it a secret?
I don't like feeling I can't talk about how great marriage is. Marriage is important. Our children should know a happy marriage is possible. Family is the bedrock of society. If we want a peaceful world, we need strong marriages. As Mother Teresa said,
"If you want to change the world, go home and love your family."
Shouldn't we be celebrating the greater sacrifice, the higher relationship that marriage is, rather than glory the albeit prettier but shallower engagement? What does that say about our culture?
*Turns on television to find an episode of "The Bachelor: Silicone Island" playing.*
How great when people find each other and make promises to one another. How much greater it is when couples live those promises- that make the transition from speaking love to being love. It's where our focus should be-on lasting, deepening love.
So on this day, our ten year wedding anniversary, I openly declare, “I still love my husband!” Brave of me, I know. In fact, I love him even more now than when we first married. I enjoy being married. I do. (Get it?) In fact, I think it's wonderful. And fun. I adore being married.
We have our problems. We disagree. We also treat each other with the upmost respect. We forgive each other our many shortcomings. This is what makes a healthy marriage so fantastic. To be accepted and loved for who you truly are- there is no better feeling.
So cheers today to my dear husband, who shows me what love is by how he continues to care, forgive and support me day in and day out, no matter how difficult I can be. Cheers to him for showing up each day. His love makes me want to be better, to be more worthy of such a gift. Cheers to the transforming love of marriage!
